In Which There is Plumbing

This story is from the beginning of the semester, and some of you have heard it, though not in the dramatic detail which is its due.  I waged a war with my kitchen sink.

See that part that says "cleanout"?  Yeah, none of mine have that.

Here is how it all went down.  A little bit after coming home from winter break, I noticed my sink starting to drain slowly.  Then very slowly.  I figured there was some gunk in the p-trap, since my sink strainer had broken a while back and I hadn't replaced it yet.  Feeling it was worth a shot, I dumped some vinegar and baking soda down there, followed by hot water.  It bubbled pleasingly.  And did nothing.  I opened up my p-trap, and it didn't even look clean, and with unsavory black murk everywhere, it was impossible to say what might be down there or in the pipe just past it.  Possibly werewolves, I don't know.

I called my uncle, and asked if he'd had any success with Liquid Plumr.  He said that sometimes it did the trick, so I went out and got some and dutifully followed the directions.  This was like trying to carve a marble statue with a quill pen, apparently, because if anything, it drained worse after that.  I opened the p-trap again.  It looked marvelously clean.  The problem, then, was further on.  I called my uncle again.  He said that if I wanted to get a plumbing snake, just a smaller and cheaper one, I could give that a shot and he would reimburse me.

I went to the hardware store, and got the cheapo plumbing snake.  The pictures on it showed how it used a flat steel wire to easily go around the corners of basic household pipes.  It lied a lot.  After a damp and frustrating half hour or so, I realized that I was getting nowhere, and so I would have to go back the next day (I had classes to get to) and get a snake with a wire coil, because this one was entirely inadequate.

In the morning, I returned the snake.  At this point, it had been most of a week in which I could only do dishes a few at a time, the sink backed up so badly.  I got a new snake.  Determined, I put on loud folk music, got massive amounts of paper towels together, and opened the pipes under the sink up once more.  As I worked, I realized there was a sharp bend just past the wall, and because of the bend of the pvc pipe that hooked into the wall, I couldn't see how to angle the snake.  "That's all right," I thought, "I'll just take the pvc pipe off the wall too."  That move was what really led to disaster.

I did that.  I snaked the drain down to a point in the basement where I could tell it hit another right angle.  I dragged out what seemed to be quite a lot of gunk.  I put it all back together.  I turned on the water.  It did not back up immediately, as it had been doing.  I allowed myself to feel briefly triumphant.  I had battled the sink and won.  I would do all my dishes now.   I would--

A noise.  It went: dripdripdripdrip.  I turned the water off and looked under the sink.  Where the pvc pipe met the metal pipe in the wall, water was just starting to pour out.  I thought maybe I just hadn't gotten it tight enough.  I took everything apart again and put it all back together again.  I tightened everything down.  This time, not only did the wall pipe leak, but one of the places at the top of the p-trap was starting to dribble too.  I was about ready to cry, or possibly become a plumbing-related supervillain.  It was a Friday, and there was no way I could get a plumber in.  I called my uncle again and told him my story of woe.  He said that over the weekend, I might try putting a new washer on the pipe, and getting a channel lock to further tighten all the pipes.

Refusing to be beaten, I did that.  I tried a new plastic washer.  Then a rubber washer.  Teflon tape.  I tried a little telekinesis too, because what the heck.  The pipe at the wall merrily kept leaking.  Finally, after taking everything apart yet again, I really looked at the metal pipe in the wall.  The threading was a little rust-covered on one side, and I realized as I stared at it that it was not even quite a circle any more.

So... awesome.  I had to admit defeat.  This was beyond my abilities.  I didn't even put it back together again.  What was the point?

On Monday, I got a plumber in.  He said it was an easy fix.  I rejoiced.  He did something magical to attach a new piece of pvc to the wall pipe that would join the pvc of the other pipes, and I would never have to worry about that stupid imperfect pipe again, hurray!

Except... even though the sink took a little longer to back up, it was still backing up.  So he snaked it.  He ran into the same spot I had, where it takes a 90-degree turn in the basement.  He went down to look.  He determined that there might in fact be a grease trap out past the house, and that would mean a near-impossible clog to fix.  He recommended re-piping.  As he showed this to me, the elbow pipe that took the entire mess outside chose that exact moment to rust through entirely.  Drip.  Drip.  Drip.

It was late, and we called it a day because we couldn't reach my uncle for important information, and I did my dishes in tubs, throwing the water outside.  The next day my uncle called and said that there was no grease trap, because they had previously taken it out, and he had found the work order that said so.  They should be calling me soon.

I hadn't heard from them by Thursday, so I called them.  They apparently had no clue that they were supposed to be in touch.  They could come in the next day.  So that was it.  After darn near three weeks of barely being able to wash dishes, after hours of trying to soldier through my own plumbing, I got it all fixed.

Throughout all of this, my cats watched as if I was doing magic.  They thought it was possibly one of the best things I had ever done for their entertainment.  Since then, they have become plumbing enthusiasts.  Every time water is running, it requires their inspection; every time I mess with the sink, they come to see if I am going to do magic again.  It's... actually kind of creepy.

My bathroom sink has pretty much stopped draining.  I went for the industrial acid cleaner this time, but have not yet had the heart to use it.  I am not sure if I am ready for war again.